A few years ago I had a horrible experience which I wont go into detail. I was very distraught and trying to look after my son at the same time. In order for me to feel better I thought it necessary to take a whole box of antidepressants. Now of course I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was seriously just trying to get rid of my pain and suffering. I ended up with serotonin poisoning and had to go to hospital. Ace was with a foster family for 2 nights. Those 2 nights without him absolutely killed me.
While I was in hospital I had a psychiatrist come and see me. I spoke to him for a long time. At the end he told me I had Borderline Personality Disorder. I had never even heard of it before. It did explain a lot. I always knew I was different. And I had suffered severe depression from as far back as I can remember.
I started researching BPD. And the more I found out about it, the more I realised the Doctor was right. I had every single symptom. Except I was never a cutter. I used to harm myself in other ways.
About a year ago I decided to see another psychiatrist and I was diagnosed with the same thing. So I definitely know I have it. Although some people think it's a made up illness and people use it an excuse to explain bad behaviour. Who knows?
Aparently it's caused my a traumatic childhood. It can also be passed down. I have a crazy Mother and have had a traumatic childhood so who knows how I got BPD.
I'm not sure if finding out I'm mentally ill is a good thing or a bad thing. It's good to put a name to it but now I have to live with the fact that I will always be "crazy".
I can't hold a relationship, I can't control my emotions, I can't deal with people, I can't be a normal mother, I just can't do anything like a normal person can. Oh but I try. I try more than anything to just be normal. But I can't stop what's going on in my head. I hate it so much.
Nobodies ever going to love me.....
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
"Coming out" (again)
When my Son was 2 years old I befriended another mother who had 2 kids. We were instant best friends and we hung out every day with the kids. Sometimes we would get her partner to watch the kids and we would have a drink together.
One night we started making out. All these feelings came rushing back to me! All the ones I had locked away so tightly trying my hardest to not let them out again. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and we slept together that night. It felt so right! I was home again!
I kept it a secret and our friendship became awkward and we stopped speaking to each other. But I suddenly realised that I couldn't keep lying to myself and others. I definitely wasn't straight no matter how hard I tried to be. I desperately longed for that sensual feeling of a woman's body.
I still hadn't told anybody this until one day when my friend was making me a 'myspace' portfolio. She was asking all these questions like, what's your interests and your favourite movies? "Sexual Orientation?" she looked at me with a smirk. I told her to put Bisexual. I was still a bit confused and still hadn't told anybody so I thought that would be best.
Not long after I had girls chatting me up online. Soon after I was in a heavy duty relationship. I was with this girl for 2 years. It was very up and down but I was happy to finally be "out".
I told my Mum that I didn't care what she thought anymore and that I was going to be gay whether she liked it or not. Eventually she came around. I found out why she was so against the idea in the first place. Turns out my Mother is a lesbian too! She didn't want me to come out because she couldn't do it herself. Since then my Mother has come out and she dated a woman for 3 years.
One night we started making out. All these feelings came rushing back to me! All the ones I had locked away so tightly trying my hardest to not let them out again. We couldn't keep our hands off each other and we slept together that night. It felt so right! I was home again!
I kept it a secret and our friendship became awkward and we stopped speaking to each other. But I suddenly realised that I couldn't keep lying to myself and others. I definitely wasn't straight no matter how hard I tried to be. I desperately longed for that sensual feeling of a woman's body.
I still hadn't told anybody this until one day when my friend was making me a 'myspace' portfolio. She was asking all these questions like, what's your interests and your favourite movies? "Sexual Orientation?" she looked at me with a smirk. I told her to put Bisexual. I was still a bit confused and still hadn't told anybody so I thought that would be best.
Not long after I had girls chatting me up online. Soon after I was in a heavy duty relationship. I was with this girl for 2 years. It was very up and down but I was happy to finally be "out".
I told my Mum that I didn't care what she thought anymore and that I was going to be gay whether she liked it or not. Eventually she came around. I found out why she was so against the idea in the first place. Turns out my Mother is a lesbian too! She didn't want me to come out because she couldn't do it herself. Since then my Mother has come out and she dated a woman for 3 years.
My son
The whole way through my pregnancy I was so careful not to harm my baby in any way. I didn't have any alcohol or drugs of any kind. I wouldn't even be in the same room as someone smoking. My Son was born on the 30th of June 2003. It was the happiest day of my life. He weighed a healthy 3110gm. The birth itself was horrible. I was in labour for 21 hours. His head got stuck in the canal and he was removed with the help of a ventouse.
He was bright yellow with Jaundice so he had to stay in hospital for 8 days. He spent 3 days under phototherapy lights.
The Doctors noticed that his eyes wobbled from side to side so they had some specialists come in. "He's got a Nystagnus" they told me. "Nothing to worry about".
Then when he wasn't attaching to the breast they realised he had a high arched palate. "Nothing to worry about" they told me.
Finally I could take him home. I didn't get a moments rest. The baby would feed every 5 minutes and vomit constantly. With no help from my partner what so ever. I was doing it all on my own. The baby slept with me in my bed because I had to feed him so much. He couldn't feed for longer than a few minutes at a time because he was puking it back up. I was extremely sleep deprived. The doctors told me he was just a "vomity baby". He continued the same feeding pattern for 18mths.
Shortly after getting him home he had developed a cold. I took him to numerous Doctors who just said there was nothing we could do because he was so young. The cold got worse and worse and he started getting high fevers. So I took him into emergency when he was 5 weeks old. Turned out he had RSV which is a serious virus that can sometimes lead to death in small infants.
While he was in hospital the doctors were worried about his head size. It was growing a lot faster than his body was and was now way out of proportion. They started running tests including MRI's and ultrasounds. They found that he had cysts on his brain but told me not to worry about them. Then they did a DNA test. The baby was sent home before we got the test results.
When he was 8 weeks old we went back to the hospital to see a neurologist. I was told that my son had a partial chromome deletion. I had no idea what he was talking about. When I asked what it meant I didn't get much of a response. The Doctor said "most likely he will be a normal child and live a normal life but there is a slight chance he will have some learning difficulties". It was left at that.
As he grew I realised he wasn't reaching his milestones like other babies his age. He was also getting sick a lot. I knew that I was going to be raising a disabled child on my own. By then his so called 'dad' had taken off to have biological kids with his ex girlfriend. Actually I was the one who ended it. He was an alcoholic and I didn't want my child to grow up around the same shit I did.
My son then faced many challenges. There are way too many to write on here. I have made a video about him that is on youtube. You can watch that to understand a bit more about his disability. www.youtube.com/chromosome16disorder
I love my son more than anything. I seriously believe that if I didn't have him I would have killed myself a long time ago. Or I'd be on the streets still.
He was bright yellow with Jaundice so he had to stay in hospital for 8 days. He spent 3 days under phototherapy lights.
The Doctors noticed that his eyes wobbled from side to side so they had some specialists come in. "He's got a Nystagnus" they told me. "Nothing to worry about".
Then when he wasn't attaching to the breast they realised he had a high arched palate. "Nothing to worry about" they told me.
Finally I could take him home. I didn't get a moments rest. The baby would feed every 5 minutes and vomit constantly. With no help from my partner what so ever. I was doing it all on my own. The baby slept with me in my bed because I had to feed him so much. He couldn't feed for longer than a few minutes at a time because he was puking it back up. I was extremely sleep deprived. The doctors told me he was just a "vomity baby". He continued the same feeding pattern for 18mths.
Shortly after getting him home he had developed a cold. I took him to numerous Doctors who just said there was nothing we could do because he was so young. The cold got worse and worse and he started getting high fevers. So I took him into emergency when he was 5 weeks old. Turned out he had RSV which is a serious virus that can sometimes lead to death in small infants.
While he was in hospital the doctors were worried about his head size. It was growing a lot faster than his body was and was now way out of proportion. They started running tests including MRI's and ultrasounds. They found that he had cysts on his brain but told me not to worry about them. Then they did a DNA test. The baby was sent home before we got the test results.
When he was 8 weeks old we went back to the hospital to see a neurologist. I was told that my son had a partial chromome deletion. I had no idea what he was talking about. When I asked what it meant I didn't get much of a response. The Doctor said "most likely he will be a normal child and live a normal life but there is a slight chance he will have some learning difficulties". It was left at that.
As he grew I realised he wasn't reaching his milestones like other babies his age. He was also getting sick a lot. I knew that I was going to be raising a disabled child on my own. By then his so called 'dad' had taken off to have biological kids with his ex girlfriend. Actually I was the one who ended it. He was an alcoholic and I didn't want my child to grow up around the same shit I did.
My son then faced many challenges. There are way too many to write on here. I have made a video about him that is on youtube. You can watch that to understand a bit more about his disability. www.youtube.com/chromosome16disorder
I love my son more than anything. I seriously believe that if I didn't have him I would have killed myself a long time ago. Or I'd be on the streets still.
Falling pregnant
A week after my 18th birthday and meeting that guy at the pub I went back to the same pub hoping to see him there again. But he wasn't there. I saw a few old neighbours there and got really drunk. At the end of the night I went home with this other guy. Of course I didn't want to. I was just doing what I thought Mum would have wanted me to. Plus me being extremely intoxicated didn't help me rationalise the situation. I felt disgusting the next day and never saw the guy again.
Not long after that I bumped into the guy I met on my birthday and we started dating. I put the whole lesbian thing at the very back of my mind. Although I did mention to him that I was with a girl before him but he was so homophobic he didn't want to hear it and got mad at me whenever I looked at a girl. He would call me a dirty dyke all the time. So to get his approval as well as my mothers I continued to live this fake life.
A few weeks after we had started dating I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know who the father was. I had been with the two men. When I worked out the dates it was most likely the first guys baby but there was no way to be sure. I was very honest about the whole thing and my boyfriend decided that it didn't matter who's baby it was and he would be his or her father.
We had a horrible relationship. We didn't love each other and would fight constantly.
Not long after that I bumped into the guy I met on my birthday and we started dating. I put the whole lesbian thing at the very back of my mind. Although I did mention to him that I was with a girl before him but he was so homophobic he didn't want to hear it and got mad at me whenever I looked at a girl. He would call me a dirty dyke all the time. So to get his approval as well as my mothers I continued to live this fake life.
A few weeks after we had started dating I found out I was pregnant. I didn't know who the father was. I had been with the two men. When I worked out the dates it was most likely the first guys baby but there was no way to be sure. I was very honest about the whole thing and my boyfriend decided that it didn't matter who's baby it was and he would be his or her father.
We had a horrible relationship. We didn't love each other and would fight constantly.
"Coming out"
When I was 17 I started fantasising about women. I found myself staring at girls in the street. I didn't tell anybody about my thoughts and feelings towards other women because at the time I had a boyfriend. I found that I wasn't attracted to him anymore and started chatting to girls on the internet all day long. One girl in particular I had a huge crush on. We would secretly send each other love letters in the mail. One day my boyfriend found one of them and read it. He confronted me about it and asked if I was a lesbian. I laughed in his face and said 'No way!'. He didn't believe me. I honestly hadn't even thought of it like that. Soon after it all started to make sense. Maybe I was a lesbian! Me and my boyfriend broke up over it, and soon after I had found myself a girlfriend. It was then that I came out to my Mum. She did not accept it one bit. She called me every name under the sun and said if I kept seeing this girl she didn't want anything to do with me. So I did keep seeing this girl and me and my Mum didn't speak for about 8 months.
The girl who I was seeing cheated on me with a guy right before I turned 18. I broke it off with her and I was very distraught. She was meant to be gay! I no longer had anyone close to me so I told my Mum I wasn't with her anymore and told her it was a faze. Mum accepted me back into the family and on my 18th birthday she took me to the pub. The whole time she was trying to set me up with guys. I wanted her approval so badly that I tried to force myself to be straight. I met a guy that night and got his number. Big big mistake.....
The girl who I was seeing cheated on me with a guy right before I turned 18. I broke it off with her and I was very distraught. She was meant to be gay! I no longer had anyone close to me so I told my Mum I wasn't with her anymore and told her it was a faze. Mum accepted me back into the family and on my 18th birthday she took me to the pub. The whole time she was trying to set me up with guys. I wanted her approval so badly that I tried to force myself to be straight. I met a guy that night and got his number. Big big mistake.....
The move
Finally at age 15 I was called into my High School office. The School Counselor wanted to talk to me. I had had so many days off school (to look after my Mum) and had not been doing my school work. The first question the Counselor asked me was "how are things at home?". I immediately said "everything's fine" with a smile. She eventually got it all out of me. Because I was almost 16 she suggested that I think about moving into a refuge. I thought it was a terrible idea and laughed in her face.
As things at home continued to get worse and I got even more depressed I thought it might actually be time I moved out. I went back to the school counselor and she had a Social worker come and see me. He drove me to a beautiful refuge called Clifton Lodge. Moving out of home was the best thing I had ever done. Of course it was hard and I was still struggling with depression but at least I didn't have to be a full time carer for my Mother and Brother and I didn't have to deal with any abuse.
I didn't go back to school after I got my year 10 Certificate. Instead I got a full time job. The wage was terrible but it kept me busy and I was semi happy for the first time.
I had a few altercations with some of the other tenants and had to move around quite a bit from refuge to refuge. I also changed jobs every couple of months. I found it hard to stick with anything and ran at the first sign of a problem. This lasted for 2 years.
As things at home continued to get worse and I got even more depressed I thought it might actually be time I moved out. I went back to the school counselor and she had a Social worker come and see me. He drove me to a beautiful refuge called Clifton Lodge. Moving out of home was the best thing I had ever done. Of course it was hard and I was still struggling with depression but at least I didn't have to be a full time carer for my Mother and Brother and I didn't have to deal with any abuse.
I didn't go back to school after I got my year 10 Certificate. Instead I got a full time job. The wage was terrible but it kept me busy and I was semi happy for the first time.
I had a few altercations with some of the other tenants and had to move around quite a bit from refuge to refuge. I also changed jobs every couple of months. I found it hard to stick with anything and ran at the first sign of a problem. This lasted for 2 years.
Piss pot!
Shortly after my 'Dad' came into the picture I developed a bladder problem. I couldn't control my bladder anymore. I had been completely toilet trained. Most people put it down to laziness. I would get yelled at and called horrible names when I wet myself. I wouldn't even know I'd done it until it was too late. And the only reason I kept it from them sometimes was because I was so ashamed and scared about what they might do to me. I would walk around in wet clothes all day long smelling like a urinal. Nobody came near me. At home I wet the bed every night. Mum would cover up the wet patch with a towel and make me go back to sleep. One Doctor told my Mum that it was a faze I was going through. Another doctor told my Mum it was stress related and another told her it was a medical condition that caused the incontinence. I was put on medication which didn't help at all. If my childhood wasn't bad enough....this made my life a living hell! By the time I started primary school my bladder problem hadn't changed. Because of this I never really made a friend and I was constantly made fun of. My Brother especially gave me hell. he was the one who came up with the nickname 'Piss Pot'. I was teased and bullied at school then I was teased and bullied at home. I started to gain more control of my bladder at around 11 and by 12 and a half i had complete control of it.
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